I didn’t wake up with racing thoughts today, but I woke up sad. I cried in bed several times before finally getting up, asking my husband to hold me to comfort me some through it.
It’s been a really tough couple of months, and the return of the anxiety has been hard to take.
I got through yesterday ok though, I managed to not take any ativan even though I woke up with nausea. It resolved as the morning went on.
Today, I’m sort of on the edge of anxiety, I can feel it tugging at me in the background. I know if I had something to do today, something I could do and that was more engaging than some solitary pursuit, I would feel better (emotionally) about the day and have some sort of hope that I won’t be spend the day alone fighting bleak thoughts and fear. My stomach’s not too upset this AM, but I feel weak, dizzy, and my vision is spotty even just sitting up. I’m sure my BP is way down. I don’t even want to check it. Too depressing.
My GI doctor called back yesterday after a third call. She wants to do a Ph study and an esophageal manometry test. I explained how the last esophageal manometry test went when I was a teen…i.e. the doctor couldn’t get the probe down my nose because it’s too narrow up in there, so he ended up putting it down my mouth. I got the distinct impression from my current GI doctor that dropping the probe down my mouth would not be an option. “We’ll try it…” down the nose, was her comment. Oh that and take a (whole) ativan before I come in for the procedure. Um….okayyyyy. Obviously she doesn’t get that it’s not just a matter of upset, it’s a matter of anatomy (which leads to pain, which leads to upset).
Still beating my head against the wall with trying to get in to a new GI doctor. Still calling every morning and getting the news that there are no cancellations. I wonder if I should call later in the day?
A friend is supposed to come over later in the AM for coffee/cards. I hope that goes ok, I hope I stay well enough to do it. I really could use the company and distraction.
I was planning on starting/trying the evening primrose oil and flaxseed oil today. I got them Monday to try to help supplement my way out of the essential fatty acid deficiency my labs showed back in June (and that was only one week into the starvation diet I’ve largely been on since then). I worry about trying them…side effects include upset stomach, abdominal pain, nausea, and diarrhea. So basically, more of what I already have. Errrrg.