Same

Woke up today the same as yesterday AM.

I had gotten through yesterday ok though.  Not great, but I made it without taking more ativan after the 0.5 mg in the AM.  No retching after that first round, prior to the ativan.  And I was fine last night, except for the massive headache and the super low blood pressure again (71/forty something).  So we’re back to that pattern.

Today, I woke up stressy.  My husband asked what the focus of the anxiety is in the AM.  It’s hard to say, it’s less concrete than it had been…I’m hoping that is a good sign.  Less concrete and so far, (oh god please let it not progress) less severe.  But in general, it’s about health, and my food intake, which is abysmal.  I’m barely making 900 calories a day, and that comes entirely from supplemental shakes, and I’m still having upper GI motility issues even just with those.  So that is the general focal point of my anxiety when I wake up, that and fearing the day will be another bad one.  I try to use positive self talk during these morning moments, but there’s only so far that’ll take you when your body and brain are just totally jacked up.

So I got up at about 6:30 after being awake but drowsy for at least an hour, still super sleepy, but paradoxically amped up, and increasingly so as the morning wore on.  Despite having the muscle tension in my arms and shoulders (which I feel as an unpleasant warmth), I didn’t take any ativan.  I managed to make it until 10:00, then the retching started, just out of nowhere.  It’s different this time from last, in that I’m not consciously having deeply disturbing thoughts when this happens now.  It’s more of a bodily sensation and a general feeling of difficult to check concern and worry (who can blame me at this point).  I did my deep breathing, relaxation, read for a while, all that helped I suppose, but my BP was still high (for me), showing that I was still clearly stressed.  Then, when I was up and in the kitchen, I think I had just thought that I should drink another half a shake, and then the gagging started…then the retching.

Hence the 0.5 Ativan shortly after, at around 10:00.

I wish I knew what kept this in check for the last few weeks.  I know I had been taking ativan on and off for nausea during that time, but I wasn’t waking up all stressed to the max, and I was often making it until early afternoon before the nausea hit me hard.  So I can’t say that it was the ativan that was keeping this in check during that time.

I’m still wondering if this is some kind of rebound/withdrawal from the Lyrica.  I know I wasn’t on it for long, but it had quite an impact on me and this started back up after I had taken it for three days then stopped it (after the week and a half to two week hiatus, it started a day or two after I stopped the lyrica).  If it is that, then I have reason to hope that it will perhaps go away again soon.  I really hope so.

Today, I’m trying to decide if I should go out with my husband to a get together at a co-worker’s (husband’s co-worker) house.  It’s supposed to be bloody hot and we don’t know these people well enough to know how well they host…i.e. can they accommodate someone who needs to stay cool or who will get sick and possibly pass out?  But I prefer the idea of doing something today to another day of sitting inside trying to find ways to keep busy and keep focused on something other than my rotten health.  So I may try it.  We’ll see.  I still have a few hours to decide.

Oh, and my GI doctor, who I paged yesterday like she asked me to…she didn’t call back.  Again.

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