Sad today

I didn’t wake up with racing thoughts today, but I woke up sad.  I cried in bed several times before finally getting up, asking my husband to hold me to comfort me some through it.

It’s been a really tough couple of months, and the return of the anxiety has been hard to take.

I got through yesterday ok though, I managed to not take any ativan even though I woke up with nausea.  It resolved as the morning went on.

Today, I’m sort of on the edge of anxiety, I can feel it tugging at me in the background.  I know if I had something to do today, something I could do and that was more engaging than some solitary pursuit, I would feel better (emotionally) about the day and have some sort of hope that I won’t be spend the day alone fighting bleak thoughts and fear.  My stomach’s not too upset this AM, but I feel weak, dizzy, and my vision is spotty even just sitting up.  I’m sure my BP is way down.  I don’t even want to check it.  Too depressing.

My GI doctor called back yesterday after a third call.  She wants to do a Ph study and an esophageal manometry test. I explained how the last esophageal manometry test went when I was a teen…i.e. the doctor couldn’t get the probe down my nose because it’s too narrow up in there, so he ended up putting it down my mouth.  I got the distinct impression from my current GI doctor that dropping the probe down my mouth would not be an option.  “We’ll try it…” down the nose, was her comment.  Oh that and take a (whole) ativan before I come in for the procedure.  Um….okayyyyy.  Obviously she doesn’t get that it’s not just a matter of upset, it’s a matter of anatomy (which leads to pain, which leads to upset).

Still beating my head against the wall with trying to get in to a new GI doctor.  Still calling every morning and getting the news that there are no cancellations.  I wonder if I should call later in the day?

A friend is supposed to come over later in the AM for coffee/cards.  I hope that goes ok, I hope I stay well enough to do it.  I really could use the company and distraction.

I was planning on starting/trying the evening primrose oil and flaxseed oil today. I got them Monday to try to help supplement my way out of the essential fatty acid deficiency my labs showed back in June (and that was only one week into the starvation diet I’ve largely been on since then).  I worry about trying them…side effects include upset stomach, abdominal pain, nausea, and diarrhea.  So basically, more of what I already have.  Errrrg.

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anxiety better this AM, stomach worse

Yesterday was pretty stressy, no retching at least.  So no ativan.  And I did go out briefly, to the health food store to look for supplements for my essential fatty acid deficiency.  But there was lots of easily upset and concerned, far out of proportion with what was warranted environmentally.

And there was the growing discomfort and nausea.

And there was the GI doctor not calling me back again.  I’m wondering if she’s on vacation.  I would not be at all surprised.

This AM, I woke up with a little bit of that racing stressy thought shit, but I was able to control it more effectively.  Nausea and abdominal pain aside, I actually was in a nice mood this AM.  Slightly less now that I’m up and remembered I have to call the possible new GI doctor’s office in a few hours and go through that whole “cancellation/hopes up” crap, but I’m not majorly down about it.  Just slightly deflated.

Had some juice yesterday, tiny amounts, very diluted (mixed some watermelon juice in with my first liter of water, mixed some spinach juice in with my early afternoon broth).  I am wondering if last night and today’s extra upset stomach is due to that.  I hope not.

a little better yesterday, not sure yet about today

Yesterday, I woke up stressy but managed to get through the day without an ativan.  My general rule is retching from anxiety or too much nausea from general awful GI issues = ativan.  Although right now I’m trying to struggle through the nausea without taking any since I worry that I am having rebound anxiety.  I had tried not taking any benadryl the night before, to see if maybe the benadryl was having some sort of rebound effect in the AM.

It kept creeping up on me yesterday, and I managed to dodge it pretty well.  Either doing deep breathing (not convinced that helps…or that I’m doing it right) or keeping busy.  I took a walk in the AM before it got hot.  Not a long or fast walk, and there were lots of rest breaks on the way, but I wanted to try something new.  I busied my way right into two hours of pain, dizziness, and intense fatigue though by overdoing it cleaning the bathroom.  I went out with my husband to the mall and bed and bath to look for shirts for him (not a lot of luck) and juice containers for me (just bought a juicer).  I was ok in the stores, but riding in the car, between stores and on the way home, I was having anxiety again.

Last night, by a few hours before bedtime I was feeling fine anxiety-wise.  I was not feeling fine gut and headache-wise but, well, at least it wasn’t everything.  I didn’t take any benadryl again, so we’ll see how that goes today.  I woke up stressy as hell today, but did the deep breathing in bed.  I managed to work my way down after doing that for what felt like forever.  And I even got up before my husband today, which is something I haven’t done practically since this started.

My juicer came yesterday.  I’m excited to try, slowly, some juice today. I was going to start with watermelon, very watered down watermelon.

Same

Woke up today the same as yesterday AM.

I had gotten through yesterday ok though.  Not great, but I made it without taking more ativan after the 0.5 mg in the AM.  No retching after that first round, prior to the ativan.  And I was fine last night, except for the massive headache and the super low blood pressure again (71/forty something).  So we’re back to that pattern.

Today, I woke up stressy.  My husband asked what the focus of the anxiety is in the AM.  It’s hard to say, it’s less concrete than it had been…I’m hoping that is a good sign.  Less concrete and so far, (oh god please let it not progress) less severe.  But in general, it’s about health, and my food intake, which is abysmal.  I’m barely making 900 calories a day, and that comes entirely from supplemental shakes, and I’m still having upper GI motility issues even just with those.  So that is the general focal point of my anxiety when I wake up, that and fearing the day will be another bad one.  I try to use positive self talk during these morning moments, but there’s only so far that’ll take you when your body and brain are just totally jacked up.

So I got up at about 6:30 after being awake but drowsy for at least an hour, still super sleepy, but paradoxically amped up, and increasingly so as the morning wore on.  Despite having the muscle tension in my arms and shoulders (which I feel as an unpleasant warmth), I didn’t take any ativan.  I managed to make it until 10:00, then the retching started, just out of nowhere.  It’s different this time from last, in that I’m not consciously having deeply disturbing thoughts when this happens now.  It’s more of a bodily sensation and a general feeling of difficult to check concern and worry (who can blame me at this point).  I did my deep breathing, relaxation, read for a while, all that helped I suppose, but my BP was still high (for me), showing that I was still clearly stressed.  Then, when I was up and in the kitchen, I think I had just thought that I should drink another half a shake, and then the gagging started…then the retching.

Hence the 0.5 Ativan shortly after, at around 10:00.

I wish I knew what kept this in check for the last few weeks.  I know I had been taking ativan on and off for nausea during that time, but I wasn’t waking up all stressed to the max, and I was often making it until early afternoon before the nausea hit me hard.  So I can’t say that it was the ativan that was keeping this in check during that time.

I’m still wondering if this is some kind of rebound/withdrawal from the Lyrica.  I know I wasn’t on it for long, but it had quite an impact on me and this started back up after I had taken it for three days then stopped it (after the week and a half to two week hiatus, it started a day or two after I stopped the lyrica).  If it is that, then I have reason to hope that it will perhaps go away again soon.  I really hope so.

Today, I’m trying to decide if I should go out with my husband to a get together at a co-worker’s (husband’s co-worker) house.  It’s supposed to be bloody hot and we don’t know these people well enough to know how well they host…i.e. can they accommodate someone who needs to stay cool or who will get sick and possibly pass out?  But I prefer the idea of doing something today to another day of sitting inside trying to find ways to keep busy and keep focused on something other than my rotten health.  So I may try it.  We’ll see.  I still have a few hours to decide.

Oh, and my GI doctor, who I paged yesterday like she asked me to…she didn’t call back.  Again.