Woke up down

so down.  The erythromycin my GI doctor ordered as a medication to increase gastric motility has given me thrush. So now I’m fixating on the thrush, on the fact that even the crappy, not very effective erythromycin is not an option, and on the idea that I will end up with a feeding tube…and then I start thinking of all the things that could go wrong with a feeding tube, not the least of which is the chronic thrush.  Well, you get the idea.  This is how I woke up this AM.

I feel like I should be able to do more here, to do more to pull myself out of these moods, to better self-regulate.  I feel like it’s a personal failing that I ended up like this.  I know I had to take care of my physical health, and that meant gobbling reglan, and it also meant often not being able to uphold commitments, covered that in past posts.  I get it, but at the same time, I still feel like I somehow let myself down.  That I should have tried harder or something, which is absurd because I still recall how it felt earlier this year, or even last year, when I was trying as hard as I could and it wasn’t working.  I remember it.

I wish there was room for something in between.  I wish I had been able to make a go of working at home, but it’s impossible to find clients who are ok with someone who can only work sometimes, possibly outside the client’s convenience.  It’s impossible for me at least.  What I see for client wants boils down to “low pay, on MY schedule”.  I’d be willing to do the former even, but I cannot do the latter.  Take this one project I have been working on. It is time locked, i.e. I can only work up to the current day since it’s compiling daily material from an online class.  I did up to the current date in April, then again in May, and I recall thinking “Jeez, it’s going to be tight at the end, I mean, I’d better be on top of it.  I hope that’s not a period of poor health for me because that’s going to be hard, how much would it suck to have been on top of to ahead throughout this project and end up missing the final deadline and missing the chance to even obtain the material because I ended up too sick to work…”  And here we are, in that last week of that class and I am fighting to stay out of the hospital.  I went in and pulled down as much of the material as I could over the last few days, got all caught up again, but still, I have to wait the days out to get the rest of the material…and what if I end up inpatient?  It’s a definite possibility, the way things are going, either for physical or mental reasons.

This is a lot of ramble, I know.  It’s early.  I’ve been awake for a while, laying in bed with my body still feeling tired (exhausted even) but my head increasingly full of dread and doom.  Not a good way to start the day.

I’m trying to put off taking an ativan.  So far, I am very uncomfortable feeling (and of course there is the nausea, and the mouth and throat pain from the thrush) and I’m only just starting to get the aching heat in my limbs that tells me that little tiny muscles I didn’t even know I had have been tensed up like rocks.

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