day two of zoloft, still having the fear and loathing

Well “loathing” isn’t quite right.  Fear is.  Fear, panic, compulsive overwhelming consuming concern for anything and everything.  I mean every little thing, immediate and far, that might affect me, my loved ones, now or in the future.

I woke up ok.  A little apprehensive about the day, the last two days were so bad physically.  Woke up better today than I did yesterday, honestly yesterday I was crying before I even got out of bed.  Today, I was ok but apprehensive.  Got up, had some ideas about what I would do today.  I even had the clarity and lack of fear to look at some online jobs, which is something I’ve had to avoid doing because even thinking about it, even seeing the thumbnail for the job site in my google dashboard has given me a shuddering feeling in my stomach, a spinning in my head, a gripping in my shoulders, a weakening in my limbs…basically the start of a panic.

But today, it felt ok to look.  Not much I can do, even under better circumstances.  One was great, except they needed you to work at 1:00 PM Perth time.  That’s 1:00 AM here.  That’s not possible.

But then the fear started.  Creeping in.  I don’t know what triggered it.  Cat guilt?  I felt bad that the cat had gone upstairs and gotten in bed while I was looking at jobs, and that wave of cat guilt was hard – made me start to feel shaky.

Then there were no jobs.  And I think that also did something.  It was like “great, now what am I going to focus on today while I try to ride this thing out?”  It’s a fine line, there is a lot I cannot do right now, and so much of it that I can do, I can only do slowly and on my own intermittent (and totally unpredictable) schedule.  But yesterday afternoon, I did a little work on the slow project I’ve been working for that client from March and while I did make some class A screw ups and have to redo a bunch of work, I did find the work to be therapeutic.  It’s unfortunate that most jobs would not allow me the kinds of flexbility I would need to do the work when I can do my best (and keeping in mind that my very best right now is still highly error prone, as yesterday demonstrated, so it may not be good enough for someone working on a timeline, as most employers are).

I do think today I want some structure if I’m not feeling too sick.  I am recovering from this AM’s panic.  I took an ativan, rested (crying), then Husband helped me get a smoothie together, then I drank that and had my half a zoloft (one day left at this half dose, then up to 25 mg on Saturday, god almighty I hope it helps).  Watched some old Parks and Recreation, now I’m writing, then I’m going to talk to my friend B for a short time.  Then I may rest and try to eat some more, it depends on how long we talk.  I should shower, but I also want to do some work with the PDFs for that slow mo project.  So I’m not sure shower will happen until later, which is probably not the worst thing since I am super dizzy with the ativan and I think with the zoloft too.  My BPs low, well the usual low (unless I’m panicking) and I’m feeling very unsteady in the shower.  So maybe I’ll computer after I talk to B.

And this all assumes I feel ok, as in not retching or vomitting or feeling that crushing nausea.  Gotta stay hopeful.

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