That ended badly

Well, I had a little panic attack yesterday.  I wonder if I hadn’t fought it if it would have been over faster.  But that’s me, I fight.

It started, I think, with just a general jittery feeling.  I was outside having a smoke and I couldn’t stop bouncing my legs.  I tried, I could stop when I concentrated on it but as soon as my attention wandered, the jittering was back.  Then I took a shower, feeling keyed up.  While showering, that keyed up feeling built and built, I noticed my heart was racing, my limbs felt heavy and like they had warm sand or liquid in them, my throat started to feel tight.  I told myself “Ok, you’re starting to freak out…focus on now, washing you arm.  this is normal, you do this all the time and you can get through it.”

Sounds so silly now, but at the time, it was a major accomplishment to get through that shower and subsequently getting ready to go out to therapy.  If I hadn’t been going to therapy, or something similarly important, I might have canceled.  I was tempted.  Driving sucked.  I took the long way to avoid the “scary” roads that give me pause even when I’m well.  By the time I got to therapy, every muscle in my body was tight, rigid feeling, achey, vacilating between that feeling and feeling that warm sand/heavy feeling again.  My head was killing, and I know it was from clenching my teeth (which I was trying really hard not to do) and from neck and shoulder tension.  But there’s only so much you can control when this is happening, especially when you’re driving.  I tried listening to the radio, but boy, yesterday was a high anxiety news day and the public radio local chitchatty talk show was doing a fund drive…that’s not the sort of rhetoric to relax to.  They’re trying to drive up interest, rally, alert, excite.  I needed calm happy voices talking about things like attendance policies in school or some other trivia.  Nope.  So a stressful as hell ride.

This morning, I’m feeling very similar to how I felt yesterday, so I took a half a 1mg Ativan that my primary care prescribed last night.  Hoping it helps.  Hoping it doesn’t constipate me too badly.  Please let it not, that will only add to my anxiety and stress right now.

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