Been a while.

I haven’t even looked back to see when I last posted here.  If I had to guess, I’d say this time last year?  That was when all the shit hit the fan, health-work-life wise.  Let’s see, the cat was sick, I was out on leave for vertigo while my boss was on maternity leave, which she started immediately after she and I had a falling out over her wanting me to do a job at work that I was having a tough time doing.  My disclosure of that was insufficient, she sent me and the whole office some pretty pissy emails around that, including a passive aggressive one to me rescinding support she had promised in the coming months, leaving me to do a job that she knew I couldn’t do on my own.

This time last year, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It did.

While my boss was out on leave, she was nevertheless in communication with everyone else in my office, everyone but me.  She went to the conference I missed (vertigo, last June), and was mad that I wasn’t there.  How do I know?  She cut me out of a meeting that was in my area, that had been requested with me initially and which I had opened up to her and another member of our office.  She just -snip- stopped cc’ing me in the middle of planning.  I found out later in June that the planning had continued without me.

She was about to come back from leave and it turned out she had to rush to do our employee evaluations, they were using a new process.  Ok, so she sent me and my coworker emails telling us to send in the metrics we thought we should be evaluated on.  I did.  She ignored it, within moments of my sending it she sent something back to me that was totally different, and which…and here’s the rub…included the job I had told her in April that I couldn’t do.  Even got an official accommodation around it, but they wrote the accommodation so specifically that it left her wiggle room.  And wiggle she did.

I ended up leaving my job.  I complained to HR, to my boss’s boss.  I got a deep lack of support.  The idea of going into the Fall semester knowing I no longer had support, knowing my boss was now out to get me again (and please, I’m not being dramatic, she was a very vindictive and tantrumy type….the last time she was this mad at me she had revised my job entirely and put me on an attendance plan, instituted a policy that I had to attend every departmental social event, no I’m not making that up….it was in my HR file…she yelled at me and stomped around the office for weeks.  It was terrifying for someone with PTSD, struggling to work full time with serious health issues).

So I left.

And it’s been nearly a year.

And I’m having anniversary effects.  Because this was a really bad time of year last year.

I’d like to say that this year has been a nurturing calm one full of recovery and self discovery. That’s not the case. I’m depressed, officially now it seems.  It’s not like my health problems went away, but now I don’t have to drag myself to work.  Which is good, because it was killing me, mentally and physically to do that.  But now I have quite a bit of unstructured time.  When I feel very bad, this is ok because I need that time to rest and recover.  But occasionally, I’ll have a stretch of days or even weeks where I don’t feel VERY bad, or where I feel mostly ok aside from a few acute issues (like nearly passing out in the bathroom after eating last week…makes me thankful I’m not working) and I don’t do well with unstructured time.

I’ve tried structuring it but it’s not like I have boundless energy for activities.  That’s the issue, if I had that energy or the guarantee that this day or that wouldn’t be a sick day, I’d be working by god.  But I don’t, so I can’t work.  But that also means it’s hard to make plans, and to keep plans.  For example, I tried going to Chinese New Year this past Winter with a woman I’ve been trying to become friends with. A fluctuating round of nausea (intense, soul crushing nausea) reared up and halted that at the last minute.  I was so disappointed.  I cried.  I don’t cry often anymore about my health, but there are some things that’ll do it.  A new and frightening symptom, a symptom that suddenly gets and stays worse.  Having made plans finally after the snow from one of the many (many!) storms we had had receded a bit only to have to cancel them, knowing I’d soon have to hole up for another two or three record storms.  That did it.

So why am I officially depressed?  It’s been a year of this: It’s been lots of doctors’ appointments and you know how I hate those.  It’s been applying for disability, an inherently degrading and hopelessness inducing process which also btw means you can’t take doctor breaks.  if someone sends you to a specialist, you have to go or it looks like you don’t care about your health, aren’t taking it seriously, so why should the disability people?  They apparently don’t know about doctor fatigue, both the doctor and patient side of it.  It’s been too much unstructured time but not enough health to make and keep plans to structure it at all.  It’s because it was a brutal winter here near big historic northeastern US city.  It’s because it’s June again, and this time last year was so awful.  It’s because the last five years at work have used up all that I had to give – and before that was grad school and my division head telling me that he didn’t think it would be “fair” to even consider health accommodations.  It’s too many years of pushing through and past and down and going going going to get things done – and now that I have space to stop and breath, I see that I have nothing left for me.  No social life, no chance for one, no ability to even do a great amount of volunteering (I did try in the Fall – I taught a class a the local public library, but health problems meant I had to cancel and reschedule three out of only 6 classes.  This Spring, they decided they didn’t want me to teach a class again, not surprisingly – I’m tutoring but no class).

I’m surviving right now, but that’s about all.

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