New Year

The new year brings some new family – the twins are doing good.  The little one is off CPAP and breathing ok on his own.  I am so happy for my brother and sister in law.  I’m looking forward to when my nephews are old enough to be interesting…yeah, I’m not a fan of babies.  I like kids, but slightly older kids.  I know there are plenty of family who adore babies and I’m happy to let them ooh and ahh over the boys.  I can pick up auntie duties in a little bit, which is good I think.  It balances out all the people who are going to grow less interested in them as they stop being babies.  Bring on the cognitive milestones!

The new year also brings some reflection on what I was doing at this time last year.  I was submitting my paperwork for accommodations, going back to work with a chemically toxic workplace (facilities decided to paint the interior of our poorly ventilated building with oil based, high VOC paints and stains).  My then boss had asked me to put off “until after the holidays” intervening with an employee who had displayed some remarkably unprofessional behavior during final exams and then failed to show up for several weeks post break.  He also put up “The Wall”, which was a 1.5 sided partition to give me some privacy at work….his proposed solution to the problem of people interrupting me for even stupid shit.  The partition created a stir among my coworkers….a big one.  A big mess.  People’s response to it, and my then boss’s response to them factored heavily into my decision to leave that position.

I was trying to think about why I was feeling particularly pissy yesterday and I believe it’s memories of what I was doing this time last year.  I remember many years ago discussing a break up with my therapist.  We decided that these cyclic events (holidays, other calendar based transitions) can renew the break up emotions – I guess I have to go through it on my own to “overwrite” the association, I offered.  She countered with “possibly more than once”.  Yeah, possibly.  But I think that its the first one that is the hardest.  And so this January I am thinking of last January.  I need to let it go.

Last night, I decided to draw out the “memorable moments of 2012”.  It was definitely cathartic.  I am not an artist, I do not have any mastery of perspective.  I fail to appropriately anticipate space requirements, proportions are all off, etc.  However, I usually find that my drawings amuse me.

I don’t make grand resolutions anymore.  I got too superstitious about them after a series of “self improvement” resolutions I made coincided with tough years…e.g. I resolved in 2002 to be “better about accepting help from people”.  That year, I had pelvic surgery for Endo and caught treatment refractory Lyme which left me with post-Lyme syndrome, the effects of which I am still feeling over 10 years later.  Yeah, I sure had to ask for help a lot that year.  So my resolutions are now not longer so broad…I go for things like “This year, I resolve to try to drink more water.” or “This year, I will try to find a good fitting pair of jeans.”

Good bye 2012.  You weren’t the worst year….well, you were pretty bad but I managed to use the bad as impetus for change, and fortunately things lined up well enough to let me do it.  I got a diagnosis that unifies some of my longest standing health issues.  I’m in PT, at least giving it a shot.  I’m working in a better job now, and I don’t dread going to work.  I reconnected with some old friends and some family (I’m actually about to get ready to go out to lunch with my aunt, I think this is the first time I’ve seen her in about a year!).  I survived and while I didn’t thrive, I didn’t let the knocks keep me down.  So that’s something.

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