A moment ago, I noticed the sound of a plane landing overhead.  I realize I’m noticing them more recently. I suspect it may be that I’m tuned in, and that we all go through periods of tuning in or tuning out frequent, if not regular, non-important stimuli.  I was listening to this plane go over, noticing how amazing that it could convey both massive size and distance, and a looming quality – that it is something coming closer.  Amazing I suppose that our brains are so good at perceiving all of these things about an event or an object.

I remember as a child being terrified in bed at night by these and other sounds.  We lived within a mile, maybe a half mile, of the highway.  Truck brakes (I now know what they are) at the wrong moment on a summer night with the windows open could keep me awake for what felt like terrifying hours, clutching my blanket and scanning the sky outside my window for what I assumed must be the spaceship.  I was young…Like most little human brains, my little brain was already quite good at perceiving qualities like “big”, “moving”, and “coming closer”.  I also had an active imagination, and the only TV my parents watched tended to be Dr. Who and Star Trek.

Because of the nature of who I was and because my parents were useless to worse than useless, I went through these nightly horrors without asking for help or comfort from my parents.  I eventually figured out what the night sounds were – I’m not sure how I put it together.  I would still wake up to the noises and they were still scary, but I would tell myself that although it sounded scary, it was not and I was no longer terrified.

These experiences have informed how I respond to scary stimuli.  Currently, the majority of scary stimuli come from my body.  Because I am not a child, I no longer hide in my bed, paralyzed with fear.  I get up,  I try to investigate the source of the problems so I can identify if it is something bad, something as threatening as it seems to be from my vantage point, or if it is just the physiological equivalent of trucks moving across the pavement at night.  I don’t want to be scared.  I want to be cured…I want the stimuli to go away.  But barring that, if ending the symptoms is as impossible as rerouting the highway, I’d at least like to know what the source is.  There is a lot I can handle if I can understand it – if I don’t feel that extra helplessness of not knowing.

Next Post
Leave a comment


  1. queenofoptimism

     /  August 28, 2011

    My heart breaks for you and I’m so worried about you. There is too much not knowing going on with you. Too much! On top of that, your symptoms are unlivable – but you make it. You do it. You get through it. Hoping the best boss ever can add a boost to your life that can help balance the yuck. Hoping that the timing of the loose ends goes faster than we expect. Hoping for feelings of empowerment to extinguish hopelessness. xoxoxox

  2. Thanks Queen. I am trying to summon up a good attitude for the GI appointment this week.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: