searching

I believe I’ve blogged about this before…the search terms that lead people here.  What a terrible shock for them to find a sincere blog.  I say this because the word “trick” in my blog title means I get hits from a-holes looking to undertake various sorts of medical scams.  The most recent and breathtakingly dumb search term was “fainting convincingly”.  So for that person and any other who comes here looking for tips on that, here you go.  Here’s how to faint convincingly.

Get sick.  Get a grinding illness that drags the life out of you and turns your day to day into a struggle to be effective, competent, and unmiserable.  Then, go about your daily activities.  Don’t overly limit yourself.  Sure, your blood pressure’s low enough to earn you a hospital admit if you were over 70, but fuck it, you’re young and expected to get out and do stuff, so off you go into the 85 degree weather with your water bottle and salty snacks.  Eventually, something will tax you – whether it’s an overheated room, working through lunch, or a sharp wave of pain from either your intestine or reproductive organs.  And the next thing you know, you will start feeling like you are hooked up to a car battery that your body is trying to jump start.  A bad tingling feeling all over, buzzing in you head and a throbbing static-filled ringing in your ears, graying vision and the feeling that you are overheating and need very much to get down on the ground and vomit.

Ah, then the fun part.  Vision is nearly gone, everything you hear outside your head sounds like it’s coming from the bottom of a barrel which doesn’t much matter since what you really mostly can hear is the sounds in your head, like the babbling profane half prayers coming from you mouth (which feels rubbery and like you’re operating it by remote control).  Then the retching and sweating and roaring vertigo overtake you.  You then realize that you are not where you were.  You have time traveled, you are on the floor or maybe wedged up against the wall, your head hurts, your arms hurt, your leg is bent in a strange angle (you realize each of these things in small peculiar pieces as your brain comes back on line).  You hear people around you speaking loudly, maybe yelling your name and mostly you want them to shut the hell up and go away.  You still want to vomit.  You may.  You might have peed yourself.  You are shivering and want to sleep.  If you are really lucky, I mean if you are really into it and going to give a class A fainting, you might come around to exactly the same way you felt before you lost consciousness, then do the whole thing over again multiple times until someone cools you off, lays you down with your legs up, and maybe provides you with oxygen and fluids.

So you see, it’s so simple to faint CONVINCINGLY.  I hope that helps.

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