Not so sweet dreams

Had troubling dreams last night, or more likely this morning as the dream was still with me when I woke up and since it was so fragmented.  Although I believe while I was dreaming it, it felt cohesive.  More or less.  As much as a dream can.

I was in a hotel with my husband and sister and some other people.  One of the other people was an ex boyfriend from my early 20s, a very scary guy I am still thankful to have gotten away from unscathed (a friend calls these exes the “psycho exes” and swears everybody has at least one).  The ex boyfriend was more of a nuisance than a malevolence, but a nuisance I had to take seriously and guard against.  Another of the “people” was my illness.  It didn’t talk, or do much except exist in the room.  I don’t know what it looked like now, I do know if I had to assign a sex it would be female (being an extension of me or something that makes sense).  I also know it was alien and more creepy than the psycho ex boyfriend.

I told my husband about this.  “You should find it in another dream and beat the shit out of it,” he said.  I laughed but explained how in a dream many years ago (about 9 years to be more exact, not long before I got sick) I had a dream where I was in my room looking down at my body.  It was translucent and I could see this dark threadlike thing running through it.  Thinking “aha, that’s the problem!” (the “problem” being my temper & toxic reactions to certain kinds of badness & stress, a legacy of childhood abuse I’m fairly certain) and reaching in and grabbing it.  I pulled, thinking I could remove it.  It stretched and thinned but didn’t break or come free.  Moreover, it HURT in a deep and horrible way.  I realized this was a losing proposition, if the reason I wanted to get rid of it was the pain it caused (emotional), then pulling and yanking certainly wasn’t helping that goal.  So I decided I had to change it from the inside by a sort of personal alchemy – a transformation of whatever those elements were into something less difficult and menacing.

I reminded him of that dream (I’d told him about it before) and said “Baby, I learned my lesson.  I don’t try to do things like that to these dream parts of me anymore.  Maybe if I see it again in a dream, I’ll try to talk to it or reason with it.”

We decided that was a good option.  Although I suspect this dream “person” is in fact mute, or speaks in a language I can’t understand.

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