“I would like you to see local gastroenterology.  XXXXX is a very good group of gastroenterologists.  I would specifically like you to see Dr. (Dumbfuck)or Dr. (Probablyalsoadumbfuck).  The reason for seeing them would be to evaluate your multiple bowel movements per day.  Seemingly fast transit time.  Food intolerance.  And to see if there is any relationship with that and the elevated chromogranin A levels.  Question is there a neuroendocrine cause for your flushing, headaches, and diarrhea.”

This is what my primary care wrote on his visit note last month when he referred me to the GI doctor I saw today, here named “Dr. Dumbfuck”.  I took some of my precious time off at work, copied my GI imaging and scope reports, printed out my med list, and kept a food and GI symptom diary for the last two weeks.  Then I went to see Dr. Dumbfuck.  Here’s the short version of my visit with Dr. Dumbfuck.  I took notes.

  • “This seems like classic IBS”
  • “Have you ever tried fiber?”  (“Yes, another doctor tried that.  It made it worse and I lost more weight so he said to stop and not to take fiber again.”)
  • “Have you tried Benefiber?”  (“I tried citrucel”)
  • “Stress can cause IBS.”  (“Actually, when I get stressed, I get constipated, well, for me constipated.  One poop a day.”)
  • “Well, that goes with IBS too.”
  • “IBS is just a sensitivity issue.”
  • “This is not out of the range of normal.”
  • “We do have patients where we can’t find treatment for them.”
  • “It’s a hypersensitivity issue.”
  • “Try the benefiber at one teaspoon for a week or two weeks.  Then go up to a heaping tablespoon for a while.  It can take some time to work.”
  • “Oh a month should be long enough.”
  • “I really can’t imagine that there’s anything being missed here.  This is not a malabsorptive issue”
  • “Stool studies looking for fat are notoriously poor.”
  • “With regards to the flushing, I know you’re young but could you be having early menopause symptoms?”  (it started when I was 36)
  • “Some people just have flushing, when they get embarrassed…” (“Well, it’s happening right now,” I say, “and it does happen at other times, like when I’m not annoyed.”)
  • “Otherwise, you seem like a healthy young woman.”  (“I don’t feel like a healthy young woman.”)

We didn’t get to the diary.  Why bother?  He had made up his mind before I walked through the door to his diploma bedecked office.

He ushered me out of his office.  I said “Ok, so there’s nothing to do – I mean except to try fiber again.  So if I have worsening of any of my GI symptoms, I shouldn’t call you, right?”  “No, I mean yes, call me.”  I think at this point he may have realized that I was not entirely enchanted with his approach.  We ended it with me getting a whopping three tiny packets of benefiber and him saying now that I should call in a few weeks to say how things are going.

Like fucking hell.  I’d sooner drive my car off a god damned bridge.  And believe me, there were plenty of tempting bridges on my ride home.  Sometimes I’m not entirely sure why I don’t turn the wheel.

I got home and called my primary care.  “Can I leave a message for Dr. Wellintentioned?” I asked the secretary.  “I can take a message and give it to the nurse and she can give it to him,” she tells me.  “Well, in that case I’ll just call the nurse’s voicemail.”  I call the nurse’s voicemail and say “Hi, this is dyspatient.  I wanted to leave a message for Dr. Wellintentioned, the secretary said she’d take one for the nurse to give him so I’m just leaving it for you to cut out one of the middle men.  My message is this, and I hope you can give it to him verbatim.  He referred me to (Dr. Dumbfuck) at (Dumbfuck GI).  I just saw Dr. (Dumbfuck) today and it was a monumental waste of my time.  Apparently I have ‘classic IBS’ and maybe early menopause.  So I’m just to take fiber for my daily diarrhea.”

I also called my shrink.  She hasn’t called back yet.

Oh I forgot to add:  The GYN surgeon called back (I finally called) and said it is probably adhesions.  I asked if the pain that started so soon after surgery was consistent with that and he said it can be.  Only way to know for sure is more surgery.  I said no thanks, not right now.

And so for now we can officially say that hornets’ nest has been poked, prodded, scraped off the eaves and pissed on.  I’m one mad, mean hornet right now.

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  1. Hi, i just found your blog through Pissed Off Patient, and read quite a few of your posts. I love your writing and honesty! I’LL be back!

    My blogs :

    Come and visit when you can.


  2. R. G. Maines

     /  April 24, 2011

    I loved this! “Dr. Wellintentioned” and “Dr. Dumbfuck”… I think I know the second one personally!

    Last time I saw my primary I told her I was concerned that my pain levels are rapidly increasing, making it difficult to sit for any period of time and highly uncomfortable trying to sleep. I told her I experience a ‘grabbing pain’ in my left butt cheek and hip and the same kind of feeling around my right torso region. I was concerned, because I have nerve root damage and that cyst growing in my spinal canal… know what her response was?

    “What do you expect with all that extra weight you’re carrying?”

    Thanks so much for that compassionate answer, considering you’ve not offered me a diet or safe exercise plan compatible with my various diagnosis and prognosis. Thanks so much ‘Dr. Dumbass’. 😉

    What is wrong with these people? why are they even in this profession? Seriously?

    • That’s a pretty insensitive response. I have to say, while Dr. Dumbfuck was patronizing and chock full o’fallacy, he wasn’t mean. That’s kinda mean.

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