I will follow (up)

Follow up neuro appointment today.

I have caught myself bracing for impact.  There seem to be two continuing themes in this reaction.

1)  The big “ain’t nuthin wrong” experience.  Dreading that is such an odd feeling to have and to talk about because it goes against what one would reasonably hope for from a doctor’s visit.  Here’s the thing though.  Something feels wrong.  When something feels wrong (very wrong) and keeps feeling wrong, a lack of indication to the cause means a lack of a chance to make it better.

2)  My past (adolescent) experience with neuros.  Apparently I convulse a bit when I pass all the way out.  Because this happened once at a hospital (passing out triggered by being NPO, nervous, and several failed IV placements) I was declared seizure-prone.  My mother told me the EEG I had right after that episode had “temporal lobe spikes” but I had someone review it many years later and was told it was normal.  Thanks Mom!  And every time I passed out after (my eating habits were not great in high school, and I now know I get hypoglycemic), I had to go to the neurologist, have an EEG (always normal), be told I should go on seizure meds anyhow, refused, and was told I couldn’t drive until I’d gone at least 6 months without an episode.  This significantly impacted my life – as you can imagine.  Friends were getting drivers’ licenses and I was T-ing it and hoofing it everywhere.  What if this most recent round of “ask the neurologist” turns into something similar?  I.e., a “red herring”, something incidental that isn’t actually the cause of what’s making me feel like hell but which ends up being made much of to the point where I find myself even more limited than I am now?

These are both troubling lines of thought.  They’ve launched me up and out of bed in the pre-dawn hours for the last two days now (interestingly enough, I felt decent yesterday – so much for the poor sleep as a cause of all my woes theory).

So I need to focus on something else.  Here’s a nice one.  I was able to help a combat vet navigate the disability accommodation process at work the other day.  I also soothed a young diabetic student through a low blood sugar episode during a test, not that he was unfamiliar with hypoglycemic episodes but when you’re in them no matter how used to them you are, they always suck.  Add that to a tendency towards test anxiety (which he has, and which is why he tests with me) and you’ve got some serious suckiness.  Let’s see, what else.  Oh I worked with a kid who has some pretty significant effects from a stroke at birth and helped him find a way to take his test earlier in the day because he gets too exhausted to do it during the class time (7:00 PM).  These are the reasons I love my job.  I’m happy I’ve felt well enough to do it the last few days.

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  1. Queen

     /  October 5, 2010

    Dyspatient, I’m bracing for the impact of your appointment right beside you. I’ve wondered whether docs, Neurologists in particular have any idea that these appointments and the game of whether you’ll *win* Ask the Neurologist brings such all encompassing anxiety. You’re reliant on this person to open or close doors that impact your long term functioning.

    On behalf of the students you help – thank you. Everyone with a disability needs comforting and the empowering qualities you have. Glad the rewarding aspect helps to keep you going. Looking forward to your update. ❤

  2. Thanks Q. Going to write an update now, although not much to report.


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