over did (over done part 2)

On Monday, my day off, I overdid it.  Sunday was lost to an electrical problem in my apartment – that meant, for example, no grocery shopping (refrigerator was off) and no co0king.  So on Monday, my day off, I took on a few of the things I didn’t get done on Sunday items.  And I overdid it.

On Friday, I got home early.  The whole department closed up early and I just couldn’t rally myself to (re)start working on a project that’s been waiting in the background.  I will work on it, I truly believe that, but not when I need to completely immerse myself in it for several hours and I only have one hour of time.  So I did a bunch of mundane, routine “housekeeping” tasks at work Friday afternoon and went home early.  Partly as a result of the low level guilt of not working on the bigger project, of leaving early although I didn’t really need to, and partly because I had put off cooking all the lovely food I had gotten at the supermarket on Monday (which I put off cooking because I was overdone Monday and Tuesday), on Friday when I got home, I cooked.  I cleaned.  I washed some delicates in the tub.

It was hot.  The start of the heatwave that is going to sit on top of us all this week.  I had the broiler going in the stove and had water for veggies and pasta going on the burners.  I took lots of breaks, sat in front of the AC in the living room, then back to the kitchen to deal with the food.  By the time my husband got home, I was totally wiped out.  “I made food!” I said.  Like that was worth doing all this stupid overdoing.

And I paid for it.  Friday night, as I was falling asleep, I started to have the dizzies.  The cat meowed pitifully just as I was dropping off to sleep and I woke up abruptly, scanning the room for him.  In my scanning, I was looking at the bedroom door and wondering why it looked wrong, then realized that I was not looking straight ahead (as I had thought) at the door to the hallway but looking to my right at the door to the closet.  It took a long time to straighten out the orientation of the room.  An unpleasantly long time.  And thus began a round of vertigo that has been with me all weekend.

Some time ago, my husband and I were talking about doing things that I usually don’t do.  He had mentioned that he was ok with me sometimes taking a chance and doing more – this is something I struggle with constantly – the lack of my old ability, of my old self sufficiency.  I used to be able to do it ALL.  And I liked that.  A lot.  Having to adjust to not being able to do it all is difficult.  I’m over the hump on it, I mean the worst part was many years ago.  Now, I don’t tend to break down crying as much or get as frustrated and blow up as much.  But now, I struggle more with feeling like my life is very small.  Sometimes I just don’t want to settle for that.  It was in this context that my husband mentioned his acceptance of my limits but also his willingness to help me if I try and fall.

“I think sometimes you need to try it, even if for no reason other than to remind yourself that the limits you impose are for a good reason,”.  He’s right.  This week has been one big trial with some success but with a big price tag.  I honestly think it’s going to take me at least two weeks to recover from all the overdoing, two weeks of carefully measured out energy, of religiously adhered to schedules and routines, of enforced bed times, of eating when I need to whether I want to or not, of pushing fluids even though generally I have very little thirst at all and end up peeing out what I drink in about 20 minutes (I swear it’s like I have a hose that goes from my esophagus directly to my bladder, bypassing everything on the way).  But he is correct in that there is a small gain here and it’s reassurance that when I say “No I can’t do that” it’s for a very good reason.  It’s not just me wimping out or being lazy.  It’s me being judicious, it’s me wanting energy for the day to day, which means that no I may not be able to do this or that today if I want to be able to get up and drive myself to work tomorrow.

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2 Comments

  1. queenofoptimism

     /  July 10, 2010

    “I think sometimes you need to try it, even if for no reason other than to remind yourself that the limits you impose are for a good reason,” should be made into wall art. design it. hang it up. Then make one for me – I’ll buy it.

    Yes, I’m bossy.

    I liked doing it all, too. A lot.

    Reply

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