One week

My follow up app0intment with the nPCP is a week from today.  I mean, it’s scheduled for a week from today.

I am hedging, as should be clear from my hesitancy to even commit to declaring the date as a certainty.  Experience has taught me to hedge these encounters, and I could say that is the “reason” I say it’s scheduled instead of it is, but that’s not the whole explanation.

The whole explanation is something bigger and uglier, more painful and scary.  The whole explanation includes why I don’t want to say without caveat that I like my new primary.  I think it can be best described as waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I was wondering, is it just superstition then that keeps me qualifying and amending and equivocating on allowing myself to believe things like when my appointment will be (i.e. just because it’s scheduled for next thursday doesn’t mean it will happen next Thursday)?  Do I think if I commit to the knowledge, and state it as certainty, that I am somehow inviting a failure?

I think it’s a safeguard against disappointment.  If I let myself trust, then that trust is betrayed, I feel beyond hopeless.  But allowing myself to swing too far the other way and thinking that there is no hope at all, that the outcome is going to be entirely negative, brings me down too.  It removes my motivation to keep trying to get answers, to get better.  I become bitter and non-compliant.

So I take some comfort in supporting a doubting optimism.  I do this sort of thing a lot.

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